“If it's natural to kill, how come men have to go into training to learn how?” -Joan Baez

The day has arrived. In 12 hours I will be on my way to finish up my ship paperwork, and head to the hotel. This is where I will stay until Tuesday morning when I leave MEPS (Military Entrance Processing Station) to begin my training.

I am totally ready for this, but of course still have mixed feelings about everything. I almost feel torn between them. I do however, completely believe that for the first time in my life I am on the right path.

So on that note, this will be my final post for at least the next 10 weeks. I will have no internet access whatsoever during that time. To my readers...after my Basic I will continue to write. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

Hooah! Let's do this! Later everybody!

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." -David Hackworth

Well here we are, exactly one week away from my ship date. I can hardly contain my excitement, but wish I could extinguish my apprehension. In time everything will take care of itself, and I will most likely wonder what I was so freaked out about anyway.

It's looking like I have about 3 different sets of people to go out to dinner with in this next week. I have always wondered why people choose eating out as a means of celebration or departure. I can't seem to figure that one out. Hmmm...

Everything has been done, packed, and stored. All loose ends are tied, and I am ready.

Picture courtesy of Google Images.

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." -General Douglas MacArthur

11 days. I say that with butterflies in my stomach and a shiver in my spine.

I have waited impatiently for so long, willing all this time to pass quickly and now that it nearly has, I wonder where it all went. 7 months of waiting is finally culminating in a matter of days.

I will be training to be a Mental Health Specialist. The training for that MOS (Military Occupational Specialty) has a 40 percent attrition rate, from what I understand. Needless to say, it will be a tremendous challenge. I will begin my AIT (Advanced Individual Training) for this career on 17 June to 26 October. And I will miss my husband's 30th birthday. :(

For now though, my focus is on Basic Training. My biggest dread for BCT is most definitely the sleep deprivation. I will be forced to exercise more self control than I thought possible because I will be a GROUCH. And a very angry grouch at that! Ha!

It's almost time to take my mind and remake the canvas that is my thoughts and emotions, blank again. Erase all the ugliness from such a breathtaking picture of a blessed life, and allow a new start for all that is within my being.

I am going to have some fun with this obstacle I have put before myself.

Picture courtesy of Google Images.

"Go forward without fear." -Abraham Lincoln

Okay, I am trying to convince myself that I am super excited about Basic as opposed to nervous. At times I succeed, and at other times not so much. Truth is, I am both excited and nervous. I'm just not so sure which one is more prevalent at this point. I did however, find a very inspiring quote on the subject today.

"The real hero is the man who fights even though he is scared." -General George S. Patton

I believe this statement completely. Personal courage and bravery are things that take an enormous amount of strength. I lack many things, but strength is not one of them. I dominate adversity and vicissitude! This shall be no exception.

No one ever said this was going to be easy. Nothing worth doing ever is.

Picture courtesy of U.S. Army and Google Images.

"If you know the enemy and know yourself you need not fear the results of a hundred battles." -Sun Tzu

I find myself questioning lately...wondering if I have what it takes to make it through BCT. Deep down I really feel that I do. It's just that the closer I get to my ship date, the more nervous and excited I get. I truly cannot wait to leave and start all over. It is natural to fear a thing you have never experienced. But how do you redirect that into something more positive instead of turning it into self doubt?

I have this...flaw, that I can't seem to shake. That is, I am way too hard on myself. No matter what I do I always feel that I could have done better. It's a good thing in the respect that it keeps me working harder, always striving for more. It's also bad however, because I never feel that anything I accomplish is quite good enough. When this was ingrained in me, I'm not completely sure. I wouldn't want to totally erase it, just tone it down a bit for my own well-being.

17 days left. It seems the only things I truly want to do in those 17 days is listen to my music and podcasts, play PS3, relax, spend time with Jamie and go fishing with Dad. Physical training REALLY needs to be a priority now more than ever as well. I have to stop being such a procrastinator (another of my fatal flaws).

On that note, I think I will finally attempt to go to sleep at an hour that will allow me to get up at 5am. I have been "trying" to do this for about two weeks now, and always seem to find something I'd rather do than sleep. I can still think of several things even now as I type this...

"These are the times that try men's souls." -Thomas Paine

What ever happened to complete selflessness? When in our culture did that concept cease to exist? I have often marveled at how people can be so selfish and thoughtless when it comes to others' needs. Until now.

I have lived my life for as far back as I can remember, trying to please everyone I came in contact with. Never thinking of myself and pushing my needs aside without a second thought. Then one day about a year ago I finally asked for something from someone I dearly love, only to be quickly and coldly rejected. I had sacrificed so much and done everything within my ability for this person, including standing by them many times when I truly shouldn't have. This thing I had requested was something I have desired and needed for years, and they were intimately aware of this all along. It was no small thing...but then, it was.

Maybe all these years I have been too kind, possibly even too naive. But when this one essential thing got pushed aside as if it was totally insignificant, something inside me snapped. And that's when I decided to do something for ME for the very first time in my life. I enlisted.

Since I signed my contract in August '09 I have had so many people ask me if I "really want to do this" and even trying to convince me not to go. Telling me all the negative aspects of the military and even trying to make me feel guilty about my decision! So to all of you who have bombarded me with these questions and arguments, I only have this to say.

It's my turn; at happiness, at selfishness, at living my life for me. The very least you can do is be happy for me, and proud that I am achieving something great. Stop thinking of yourselves and just let me go.

If you continue trying to hold me back, you will undoubtedly just get left behind.

Picture courtesy of Google Images.

"The truth of the matter is that you always know the right thing to do. The hard part is doing it." -Norman Schwarzkopf

I wanted to post this because it will soon be the defining words of my life, and it's meaning is very important to me. It is The Soldier's Creed.

I am an American Soldier.
I am a Warrior and a member of a team.
I serve the people of the United States and live the Army Values.
I will always place the mission first.
I will never accept defeat.
I will never quit.
I will never leave a fallen comrade.
I am disciplined, physically and mentally tough, trained and proficient in my Warrior tasks and drills.
I always maintain my arms, my equipment and myself.
I am an expert, and I am a professional.
I stand ready to deploy, engage, and destroy the enemies of the United States of America in close combat.
I am a guardian of freedom and the American way of life.
I am an American Soldier.

Picture courtesy of Google Images and Soldier's Creed belongs to the U.S. Army.

"Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names." -John F. Kennedy

Exactly 3 weeks left of civilian life. I think I will miss my books and iPod most of all! Losing all connection with the outside world for 9+ weeks will be interesting to say the least. However, I will have plenty of people writing me letters. :)

The closer I get to 23 March the more real what I am about to undertake becomes. It's a mixture of nerves, excitement, fear, elation and questions that no one can answer. The only answers for them are ones that I will have to discover for myself. I have a lot to prove...to me. Just "getting by" is no longer good enough. I AM better than that. I CAN achieve more than what little I already have. And I intend to.

I have made up my mind that on the dawn of the day I leave I will begin a brand new life in every sense of the phrase. I vow to rid my mind of all negativity, and my life of all the people that bring it about. The time we are given on this Earth is much too short for anything other than utter joy and positivity. We as human beings are meant for nothing less than greatness. Mine is just over the horizon.

I don't know if anyone out there is actually reading any of this literary garbage, but it is relieving to get some these thoughts out of my ever active, overly analytical mind. Maybe one of these days I will even start writing again. I just some need inspiration and solitude...both of which I am severely lacking.

"Better to fight for something than live for nothing." -General George S. Patton

Today was, for the most part, spent getting the rest of my things ready for Basic Training. I packed up most of my clothes and personal belongings aside from what I will be needing for the next few weeks. My Army bag is packed and ready to go! Now if I can just memorize the plethora of information that I need to know by heart before my ship date, I'll be good to go.

It's a difficult thing for a lot of people to enlist for the right reasons these days. You pretty much know without a doubt (and any honest recruiter would tell you right off the bat), that you will be deployed at least once during your enlistment for 12-18 months at a time. And it could VERY likely be to a war zone with all that's going on in Iraq, Korea and Afghanistan. I knew that before I even went to talk to a recruiter or signed the paperwork. I chose to do it anyway. Less than 1% of the population of the United States serves in the military. I assume this is one reason why. My family is afraid for my safety upon deployment, but I'm not really. That's what I am training for...to defend my country. I'm sure I will be fine. But if the "other alternative" was to be God's will instead, it's better to die doing what you love than to live miserably.

Oh, how badly I dread leaving my adorable husband. I don't think we have been apart more than a couple nights in the past 10 years, not without at least talking anyway. However the more I think about everything I am leaving behind (with the exception of Jamie), I realize that I couldn't have made a better decision for my life. I think it will be a good opportunity for him to find himself and figure out what he wants to do with his life as well. Not to mention, I will be getting enough education money for us both as well as our future children, to go to college and improve our quality of lives.

Feeling a bit nostalgic, excited and maybe a smidgen depressed all at once tonight. I really should be concentrating on doing some physical training, but can't seem to get off my lazy backside. I guess Uncle Sam will be taking care of that for me soon enough anyway...

"The battle, sir, is not to the strong alone; it is to the vigilant, the active, the brave... " -Patrick Henry

Wow. I have come through so much to get to this point. In 23 days I will be leaving everything and everyone I know in pursuit of a new life. A well deserved, better life. I have overcome so many obstacles and in truth, am thankful for each one. I firmly believe it is during the tough times when who we really are shines through.

I am so lucky to be blessed with a wonderful husband that is standing behind me while I chase my dream of becoming a Soldier. I know it is so very hard for him to let me go away to a place where we aren't together. It will be a challenge for us both, but I know we will persevere as stronger individuals and even closer as a couple.

I would be lying if I said that I'm not nervous about Basic Training. The fear of the unknown gets me every time I think about it. I am at least, going with the confidence that I am going to be good at this! I can feel it with every fiber of my being. This is what I was meant to do; I just had many, many roadblocks to push out of my way before I was truly ready.

I love nothing more than detail, organization, discipline, and structure. I look forward to being able to wear the uniform of the United States Army, and feel the pride of FINALLY being a SOLDIER.

God bless us all who willingly undertake such a responsibility.